When the Wave of Darkness Rolls in

Trigger Warning: In this blog post, there is a discussion on topics that could be triggering, including sexual assault. Please continue with caution if those topics are sensitive for you.

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Today when I woke up, I was overwhelmed with a wave of darkness.

There was something so familiar when this wave of darkness crashed into me.

So very familiar and incredibly frustrating.

I have been THROUGH this. I have FOUGHT this. I have come out on the other side.

The thing is no one ever said this journey to peace would be easy. I know that. And, I know today is just a bad day. A day where my emotions are taking over. As I sit here and type out this blog, I have tears streaming down my face.

I'm not mad. I'm not even sad. But, I am most definitely annoyed.

So, what has me so annoyed?

I woke up from a nightmare where I was repeatedly reliving what I remember of my sexual assault. I've worked through this in therapy and I am presently in a more solid spot emotionally with this event. My life was drastically changed when this event challenged every bone in my body. I grew to accept the unknowns of this event and to move forward in getting back to loving the Jessie that everyone else loved.

Even though I am in a good place, that doesn't mean I won't have off days like today. But, what is important is that I realize today is a bad day for me emotionally.

Sometimes your past or your mental health struggles can creep in so silently. It's absurdly silent until it hits you like a ton of bricks.

When this happens, you must reach out for help. That is the first step.

Whether you reach out to a therapist, trusted friend, or family member, it doesn't matter who you reach out to. It only matters that you do reach out when you need help.

Today, I told my friends Nattie & Sam after they did a vibe check for me. Nattie had pulled the Nine of Swords Reversed tarot card.

^^^Can't hide from a good Tarot Card deck, am I right?!

When I opened this picture and read what the card meant, I immediately knew I had to tell them what was going on in my head. I was trying to push the darkness down and pretend everything was fine. But, that is not the answer. The answer is to not to ignore the wave of darkness, because it will always find its way back when unaddressed.

So, here I am, taking my power back and addressing it.

Today I am bothered by the unknowns of my sexual assault. I only remember bits and pieces of what was said and done to me. Most of my recollection of the event is a very dark haze with memories sprinkled in of that night. And, THAT is what hurts the most.

It's not the act of my virginity being stolen. It's not the memories I do have of what happened. It's not even the fact that I had no way of consenting to what happened to me.

What hurts the most is the missing pieces of information that I will never have.

Today, I will again accept that I will not get that information. I accept the unknowns. I choose to love the person that I am and to continue to choose joy.

I am a survivor and that's all I need to know.

I love you all & I hope that you also make the choice to choose joy every day even when the darkness rolls back into your mind.

You are loved. You are worth it. And, you are so, so beautiful.

Until Next Time,

Jessie

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